It scares. When I think that, maybe, this stay will do more harm than good, it scares me. And that, maybe, this is not my destiny after all. Because if I think that I will get the PhD I am absolutely happy and enthusiastic, but it has to be really hard to live here 3 or 4 years, if you think to do it alone. I don’t know. When I see that sometimes I don’t understand the reactions of the people, when I think about the language, and how shy I am, it makes me shudder. And my mood is depressed also since, this morning in Standsted I noticed the difficulty I have to understand english people (outside the frame of the BBC, which I don’t have any problem with).
Well, what did you think? You must not let it affect you that much and create that insecurity.
I have seen a detour to the Haartwall Arena, so we are arriving.
Asusta. Cuando pienso que quizásésta estancia me haga más mal que bien me asusta. Y también el quen quizás no sea éste mi destino al fin y al cabo. Porque, si pienso en que me van a dar el PhD me pongo contento, pero realmente debe ser duro vivir aquí 3 ó 4 años, sobre todo si tienes pensado hacerlo solo. No lo sé. Cuando veo que a veces no comprendo las reacciones de la gente , cuando pienso en el idioma, y en lo tímido que soy, me da escalofríos. Y mis ánimos están un poco bajos desde que esta mañana, en Standsted, me diera cuenta de que tengo dificultad en entender a los ingleses. La BBC, perfecto, pero lo que es en la calle me cuesta un poco. En fin, ¿qué pensabas? No dbes dejar que te afecte tanto y te cree esa inseguridad.
He visto un desvío al Haartwall Arena, o sea que estamos llegando.
Well, yes, in a few hours I am travelling to Finland again, almost 8 months later, in order to do (at the moment) 1 interview and a serious talk with my ex-supervisor there, to start a PhD.
It is strange, more than other times, because I am travelling and I don’t have a flight back to Madrid and because I will be in the city I wanted to be but I could not, although the possibilty of leaving again and not coming back it’s sad. It will be more if I feel that I am not coming back. Sometimes I think that things there are still how I left them, and I know many things have changed and it won’t be the same, because of that I am afraid also, it is something like: “Me against the marvellous past“, and I hope I could cope with the present. It has been a desired place to live in the last months and I know I will be happy there even if the conditions have changed. But it will be hardat the begining: more responsability, less party, more serious work, but that is what I want!
And also, the sensation I have, I know it is only for a couple of weeks maximum, but, for example, when I said goodbye to my friend Bruno, it was exactly the same situation as the first time I left to Finland that 10th of january..I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know what will happen, but I had to do this. I hope it will be a great start of many beautiful and good things. Yes, Vic, Let’s believe in great things to come!!
I hope to have access to a computer to write something, but I don’t know, I wil probably write something in a diary and then publish it in the near future with the original date.
Ok, I have not liked what we call in spanish “funcionarios” during my whole life. Most of the times that means that you have to go from office to office, from one paper to another that you need for the previous, or in order to apply for some thing. Horrible burocracy.
Of course don’t blame everybody. i even have what I consider friends among those government employees, it is their choice, and, of course, I will not judge them just for being one of them.
But, well, since I have to do all that paper work, fill papers and papers and tons of papers and brochures, please SMILE! I am just asking for some information, a good job and, maybe if they don’t know something a smile and a Sorry! and it could be enough not to just start complaining while getting out of the office. Working face to face with customers or people appying for something, or selling things or whatever else, is diffiult, but PLEASE, SMILE!!! Many people would kill in order to work where you work, so, please, feel lucky for it.
One of the most beautiful sunsets that I have ever seen. Again is Suomi.
I want to dedicate this picture to all the people who is in Finland at the moment,
“Enjoy what you have, others can not even imagine what are Finland and Scandinavia like, others can more than imagine, they know it and they miss it because they have seen and could not be there even if they want”
Quiero dedicar esta foto a todos los que ahora están en Finlandia,
“Disfrutad de lo que tenéis, otros no pueden siquiera imaginar a qué se parecen Finlandia y Escandinavia, otros pueden más que imaginar, ellos lo saben y lo echan de menos porque han visto y no pueden estar allí incluso si lo desean”
I like this picture, taken in Seurasaari, spring 2005, Finland.
Another writing similar to “Between two seas“, I have got into the geographic-based poems… Nice! Written yesterday, 11 March 2006
Otro escrito, similar a “Entre dos mares“, me he metido en los peomas basados en geografía, Está bien! Escrito ayer, 11 Marzo 2006
Te sientes tan pequeño
tan altas y distantes ya
imposibles son de escalar.
Y, aunque pudieras
te das cuenta de que sólo a una podrás ascender cada vez,
y, ¿cuál elegir?
¿a cuál dar la espalda?
o quizás quedarte en tu sitio
mirando hacia una
y hacia la otra
sorteando las avalanchas verbales que desprenden
hasta que llegue el momento de marchar
y dejarlo todo atrás.
Marchar por amor a mi mismo,
por evitar la muerte del alma
y el suicidio de la esencia.
Comienzo de una nueva vida
sólo mía y
You feel such small
such high and distant already,
impossible of being climbed.
And, although you could,
you notice that only one can be climbed each time
and, ¿which to choose?
¿Which to turn your back on?
Or maybe stay at your place,
looking to one
and to the other,
getting round the verbal avalanches that detach,
untill the moment of leaving will come,
and leave all behind.
Depart due to the love to myself
to avoid the soul’s death
and the essence’s suicide.
Beginning of a new life,
only mine and
Yes, I have seen flowers on the railway track in Madrid today. Flowers that should have never been there, 191 were cut forever.
I don’t know any of you, I even wasn’t here that day, I saw it from the distance, those trains I had taken thousands of times. Those stations I’d been so many times and where my father works. It was so sad. Stop Violence.
In your honour.