I have been in hell and in heaven last two months. It has been really difficult days, uos and downs and paranoias and depression (a bit) and I have felt I was substituted, like a player who is doing shit in game and gets substituted when only 30 minutes of the game have passed.
No one said living in Finland was easy. It is not, besides that I have adapted quite well, there is always something where I still feel a foreigner.
Also my future, now that I got one more extra year to finish my PhD I am quite more relaxed about it and not thinking much, just focusing in my job and in getting the manuscripts done. It is also hard but I will manage in this time.
I guess in a way it is one more year of agony, one year living in a place I love to live at, but knowing that probably I will need to go further away without the certainty that I will ever return to my beloved Joensuu.
I know at first was difficult but when you get used to it and having a job (difficult these days) it is one of the most marvellous places to live at.
Well, as always it means just to adapt to possible new situations that may come and hope for the best, look for the best. I am sure it will be the best possible for me.
Sometimes the nowadays situations makes you think what will be your future life for you, when and where will you establish, will you form a family? And it is hard. Moving and moving and moving. That is what scientists require but sometimes what they do not want when they have reached a certain age. Traveling without a family is great, the greater with the younger you are, but at some point to belong to a place is a damn necessary feeling. Otherwise it feels like if you are just a traveller. Anyway, time will tell for good. And remember that you are able to decide. So do it!
I guess there is a moment that you do. I can think that there is a moment you are so pissed off of living this life that you agree dying. I can not think about any other time you give up. You may give up in learning finnish or english or looking for a job that would suit you and still live your life happily. But the true moment is when you are absolutely tired of suffering, or when you feel you do not have anything else to do here. That is the trick I guess. Don’t learn the trick. I will never give up. I miss the old Christmas days with you and the family, grandma. Don’t give up. I love you.
I wonder if I will remember this night, I wonder if I will remember the concert I have just been to. Disco Ensemble has rocked Joensuu’s kellari today and I was there to enjo. A good way to start your 33th year. 32 years ago you just were born or about to be born. I think I was born at 6:00. More than 30 years have passed and I guess my mother has not forgotten. And she never will.
I was coming home from Karjalantalo and I just have started to think this, where will I be in 30 years…? will I still be alive? Will I be happy with the life I have spent in already 62 years…. ?
I don’t know.
Sometimes it seems that we do not enjoy life. And I mean every single moment of it. That’s why I wanted a job where I would enjoy, and luckily I do have it now.
I’ll try to remember all these days, all that people and all that situations that have built my life somehow. The puzzle of my life. All that situations, all that people are little pieces of the puzzle I am making. It is a beautiful one. Please, don’t miss it, you a re a valuable piece and without it the puzzle is not complete. Do you understand? For good or evil, all of you have been already pieces of my puzzle, and I hope I am/was/have been a piece of yours. That’s how we make this world run.
I hope that I will be proud of myself and whatever I have done in my life. I am now, I think, why shouldn’t I? I am.