Giving up

I guess there is a moment that you do. I can think that there is a moment you are so pissed off of living this life that you agree dying. I can not think about any other time you give up. You may give up in learning finnish or english or looking for a job that would suit you and still live your life happily. But the true moment is when you are absolutely tired of suffering, or when you feel you do not have anything else to do here. That is the trick I guess. Don’t learn the trick. I will never give up. I miss the old Christmas days with you and the family, grandma. Don’t give up. I love you.

Where and how you will be in 30 years…….

I wonder if I will remember this night, I wonder if I will remember the concert I have just been to. Disco Ensemble has rocked Joensuu’s kellari today and I was there to enjo. A good way to start your 33th year. 32 years ago you just were born or about to be born. I think I was born at 6:00. More than 30 years have passed and I guess my mother has not forgotten. And she never will.
I was coming home from Karjalantalo and I just have started to think this, where will I be in 30 years…? will I still be alive? Will I be happy with the life I have spent in already 62 years…. ?
I don’t know.
Sometimes it seems that we do not enjoy life. And I mean every single moment of it. That’s why I wanted a job where I would enjoy, and luckily I do have it now.
I’ll try to remember all these days, all that people and all that situations that have built my life somehow. The puzzle of my life. All that situations, all that people are little pieces of the puzzle I am making. It is a beautiful one. Please, don’t miss it, you a re a valuable piece and without it the puzzle is not complete. Do you understand? For good or evil, all of you have been already pieces of my puzzle, and I hope I am/was/have been a piece of yours. That’s how we make this world run.
I hope that I will be proud of myself and whatever I have done in my life. I am now, I think, why shouldn’t I? I am.
Good night.

A year later // Un año después

Many things have changed. I am listening to AshTwilight to the innocents“, I am not drinking anything and I am going to sleep soon. I am having my vacations, deserved vacations, and I have my own project and money to work at least until the end of march, 2009. It has been a good year in that sense. I had also the opportunity to travel and move to Finland, one of my dreams of the last years. I am doing it now and it feels weird. I am happy there, many things could be better but, overall, I am happy there. I don’t want to complain and I am not going to do it. No way. It is what I wanted. What I asked for.
Life goes on, and life gets bad news when you get older. I wish my grandmother to be here with us, being all that healthy she has been for almost all her life until a couple of years ago. Laughing and playing cards as we did all Christmas and New Year’s Eves of all my life. But, as I said, things change and your life does it as well. Past times will never come again. That’s life.

Muchas cosas han cambiado. Estoy escuchando a Ash, su último cd “Twilight of the innocents“. No estoy bebiendo nada y pronto me iré a la cama. Estoy de vacaciones, merecidas vacaciones, y tengo mi proyecto y dinero al menos hasta el final de marzo de 2009. Ha sido un buen año en ese sentido. He tenido la oportunidad de viajar y mudarme a Finlandia, uno de mis sueños durante los últimos años. Se ha hecho realidad y es extraño, de algún modo. Estoy feliz allí, muchas cosas podrían ser mejor, pero, en general, estoy contento allí. No quiero protestar ni lo voy a hacer. Ni por asomo. Es lo que quería. Lo que pedí.
La vida avanza y la vida trae consigo malas noticias cuando creces. Desearía que mi abulea estuviera aquí con nosotros, tan bien de salud como ella ha estado hasta hace un par de años. Riendo y jugando a las cartas como hicimos durante todas las Nochebuenas y Fines de Año de toda mi vida. Pero, como he dicho, las cosas cambian y tu vida lo hace también. Tiempos pasados nunca volverán. Eso es la vida.


On thursday I went out at night and I came back walking, as I have done so many times, enjoying the calmnees of Madrid on a week night for one of the last times. At some point of the walk, I noticed I was walking along part of the same street I walked ¡¡15 years!! ago in my way to high-school (institute). I stopped and looked at the same newstand, exactly the same aspect as it had before, and those mirrors, I use to take a look at to see my reflection. And suddenly I thought how much have I changed in all these years and how many things I have lived. And where could be now that girl I saw everyday at more or less that newstand, in her way to school too, with her uniform and her folder and back bag. I hope life has treated her as good as it has treated me. I am still here and with a promising future, I hope.

El jueves salí de noche y volví a casa andando, como he hecho tantas veces, disfrutando de la tranquilidad de Madrid durante una noche de semana por una de las últimas veces. En algún punto del paseo, noté que estaba andando a lo largo de parte de la misma calle por la cual anduve hace ¡ ¡ 15 años!! en mi camino al instituto. Me paré y miré al mismo quiosco de periodicos, con exactamente el mismo aspecto que tenía antes, y aquellos espejos, que solía mirar para ver mi reflejo. Y de repente pensé cuanto he cambiado en todos estos años y cuantas cosas he vivido. Y donde podría estar ahora esa chica que yo veia casi diariamente a la altura del quiosco en su camino al colegio también, con su uniforme, su carpeta y mochila. Espero la vida la haya tratado tan bien como a mi. Estoy todavía aquí y con un futuro prometedor, espero.